Rape Survivor: My experience, and journey of healing

               Today is the day. I am finally ready to write about my ex calling me. I don’t really know what has taken so long for me to write about this… I think I have been feeling apprehension because he told me he wanted to read my blog, and I was a little nervous (yeah, he said that. Maybe he did, I’ll never know). Nonetheless, today is the day.                Let’s start from the beginning, meaning the beginning of two years ago. I was in a car accident that has rendered me mostly incapacitated. I have a condition called Occipital Neuralgia, it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I have had migraines and headaches almost every day for the last two years. This will hopefully be coming to an end, as I will be having surgery soon.                Also, there’s my boy. My beautiful, little non-verbal man with Autism. He is going to be 6 next month (how???). The last two years, he has grown so so much. He is the strongest person I know. A warrior heart like a

  I can't believe it's been over a year since I have posted in here. It has been almost ten years since the rape. It is interesting that at one point, it brought me physical pain to even think the word "rape", now I can say it, talk about it, talk about my experience. It gives me pain, I sometimes get choked up, but I can talk about it. I can share it and maybe help someone else struggling with even accepting what has happened to them.   I still have nightmares. I still have panic attacks. I sometimes will even have flashbacks if an instance causes enough grief for me. Sometimes I'll click on an article about someone else that was raped or assaulted, and it will cause a flash back or a panic attack. I don't think that will ever completely go away. The instances are farther apart, but the PTSD remains.   Sometimes it gets hard to breathe. Sometimes I lay in bed at night, afraid that he will come to find me. I wish he was dead so the fear would leave, because

    This post will be a little bit different than my other posts, mostly because it delves into other aspects of my personal life that I don't usually talk about. The holidays this year have been really hard for me, starting with Halloween. My son is autistic, he doesn't care about things like that, which is fine. He is his own beautiful person that I wouldn't change for the world. But for some reason this year, I've wanted to pretend like the holidays don't exist. My son wanted to go on a walk while the trick or treaters were out, and it broke my heart a bit. To add to my anguish, I was in a pretty bad car accident that thankfully was not my fault, but it has rendered me unable to perform a lot of the things that I need to. The day after Halloween, I had a nervous breakdown. Because of my existing issues with anxiety and depression, everything hit me pretty hard. I've also had to work a lot more than usual, hitting almost full time every week since the accident

    I've been told by one of my therapists, that I still suffer from PTSD. I didn't realize it, until I saw my ex a few months ago for the first time since the rape. I was pissed. I'm still pissed. I saw the bastard while I was working. He wasn't supposed to be there. He doesn't even live here. But there he was. I sensed him before I saw him, then I broke down. I tried to stay strong, but I couldn't. I had a full panic attack in the back of the restaurant, with sobbing, horrifying flashbacks for two hours. I wasn't safe anymore. He saw me. He knew where I worked. I hate that. I felt safe, and now I don't. You know what else? Now I have been having nightmares ever since. I've had to get on an anti-depressant and sleeping pills. I've had to get a prescription for Xanax for the freak outs. I've been reading articles on how to help my PTSD symptoms because it doesn't seem to be getting better.    And guess what. I am pissed. It will be 8 yea

     In about a month, I will be 26 years old. Every birthday since the rape, I am reminded about the attack. I’ve never told anyone this, but every year I am older, I think “It’s been ___ years since the rape, and I am doing pretty good.”, or “not so good” when it was the first or second year mark. This year will mark 7 years. It’s interesting that thought comes to my mind around that time, but thankfully, every year I have healed more.      Today I was thinking about the effects that the rape still has on me. When I get really bad, shaking anxiety, sometimes for no reason, I think about the rape. Mostly I am angry that I still have anxiety. “I wasn’t always like this” I think to myself. Sometimes I am ashamed of my anxiety. I feel like I should be able to control it more by now. I mean, it has been almost 7 years, what is the deal? I decided that a lot of times, I am too hard on myself. My anxiety used to be paralyzing, I used to get triggered into flash backs that made me have

            Today I was tagged in a post on Facebook that contained an article. My friend said she would love to hear what I had to say about this idiot. So I decided to take on her challenge, and I looked at the title, which read “Meet Brother Dean Saxton, Who Believes Women Are To Blame For Their Own Rape”. At first glance, I was a little shocked, but I reacted differently as I read on than I thought I would, or even differently than other people thought I would as well. I was not mad, I laughed. Who could honestly think this? I did not even want to give this guy the satisfaction of watching the video about him contained within the article, because I do not feel like he was even worth my time. So I only read the article. This person seems to believe that women are to blame for their rape, because of how they dress. Women are apparently asking to be raped left and right. Well I would like to say something about this to you Dean, and anyone else dumb enough to believe his rants, this