Rape Survivor: My experience, and journey of healing

Right after I was raped, I struggled with every day things. I was going to a community college close to where I lived, and there was some time where I didn’t go to my classes, or do any of my homework. I literally could not handle menial day to day things.  There was a few times where I called my mom to pick me up in the middle of my class because something triggered a flashback, and I had a breakdown.  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t eat. I felt empty, broken. My chest was an abyss of complete and utter pain and heartache, and nothing I did filled the void. Nothing I did seemed to matter. I felt like all of my actions were worthless, and every move I made was pointless. It was the most numbing, miserable, unbearable time of my life. Since I was in denial for so long, and had such a hard time coping with the reality that I was raped, it took longer for me to start recovering and healing. It took me almost 3 years before I hit rock bottom, and realized I needed some serious hel...

            One of the hardest things for me to overcome is trusting men. Sometimes I still struggle with it. For example, the other day, I was at Wal-Mart by myself with my little boy, and there was this man that I kept seeing around the store. There was something about him that gave me the creeps. There was one point where he stood in front of my cart and wouldn’t move and was just staring at me. Usually I try to be nice to people, but this guy I was pretty short with and told him to get out of my way. I was afraid that if I was nice to him, he would follow me out to my car. I started to get scared, and I didn’t even finish my shopping because I was so freaked out by this guy. So I bought what I had in my cart, and I left the store… Sometimes I just hate my anxiety.             There are times too where a guy isn’t even creepy and I still get freaked out. I have gotten significantly better, ...

            When I read back through my journal entries of that time when I began my healing process, it’s amazing to me how much I have changed, and how much happier I am now than I was then. My therapist had me write a little bit everyday about how I felt, and would have me put a number between 1-10 at the end of my entry for how my day was overall; 10 being the happiest and 1 being the worst. Most of my days were between a 2 and a 6. In my journal entries, I talked about how all I did the entire day was sleep until 6 pm, or how I cried all day when I thought about something minor that to me was huge. Some days I said how I didn’t want to wake up that morning, so I lied in bed for hours on end and didn’t eat anything or talk to anyone. I would write about how the only reason I got up to get ready was to see my boyfriend so he wouldn’t know that anything was wrong with me. Most days I cried all day. Most days I called my mom and would cry to her abou...

            It’s no secret that I have anxiety because of what happened to me. What most people do not know is that I deal with this every day, all day. It never goes away. I constantly feel unsettled and anxious. People with anxiety are always in fight-or-flight mode, they have a hard time differentiating problems that are small and problems that are a big deal. Every problem to a person with anxiety is a big deal to them.             I have gotten a lot better with controlling my anxiety. I can talk to people and not have a nervous breakdown, I can go in public and not feel like I am going to be attacked every 5 seconds. I can pretty much deal with every day things now. But there are still a lot of times that I cannot control my anxiety, and it comes about like I am angry.             My worst anxiety I get is when I feel out of cont...

            Since I have been writing about my story, it’s been taking a toll on me, more than I thought it would be. I knew it would make me emotional, but I am thankful for my family and husband for supporting me through writing this. It has made all the difference in the world.             Once I began the path to recovery by regularly seeing my therapist and talking to my church leader, I also started to date my future husband. We dated for a few weeks before I decided that I needed to tell him what was going on. I was nervous about this, because I knew that by telling him I was raped and the hard times I had for a couple years after, that he might not want to date me anymore. I really liked him, but he had to know, because for the first couple months that I was seeing my therapist, I would have a mental breakdown after every session.         ...

               I just found out recently that after I was raped I experienced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It is a mental health condition that is triggered after a terrifying event. The sooner you get help for PTSD once you realize that you are experiencing symptoms, will help prevent long term PTSD. The symptoms can last for months or years and can completely turn your life inside out. Symptoms usually start within 3 months after the traumatic event. There are three types of PTSD:     Intrusive memories- symptoms include: Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event     Avoidance and emotional numbing- symptoms include:         Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event Feeling emotionally numb Avoiding activities you once enjoyed Hopelessness about the future Memory problems Trouble c...

               I apologize for not posting an entry today. The next subject I want to talk about is extremely difficult for me to talk about, and is a delicate situation. I am planning on posting it tomorrow once I feel I have expressed the situation appropriately. Thank you for your patience every one!