I am stronger than I think I am, and so are you!

            When I read back through my journal entries of that time when I began my healing process, it’s amazing to me how much I have changed, and how much happier I am now than I was then. My therapist had me write a little bit everyday about how I felt, and would have me put a number between 1-10 at the end of my entry for how my day was overall; 10 being the happiest and 1 being the worst. Most of my days were between a 2 and a 6. In my journal entries, I talked about how all I did the entire day was sleep until 6 pm, or how I cried all day when I thought about something minor that to me was huge. Some days I said how I didn’t want to wake up that morning, so I lied in bed for hours on end and didn’t eat anything or talk to anyone. I would write about how the only reason I got up to get ready was to see my boyfriend so he wouldn’t know that anything was wrong with me. Most days I cried all day. Most days I called my mom and would cry to her about my daily anxieties and hurt. Most days I literally thought that there was no way on earth I was ever going to become whole again, and be the happy person I was before all of this. But the more I went to my therapist and as time passed, I slowly… very slowly… began to change and to heal. It was the longest most painful process of my life.

            I had to face my fears. My therapist had me list off my biggest fears. Most of them were about men, or about not being able to feel whole again. One of the biggest ones was about my boyfriend who is now my husband. I didn’t know if I could completely trust him ever. I completely trusted my abuser, and I did not want that to happen again. It would have been the death of me if I were to date or marry someone who would do the same things to me that my abuser had done that had almost ruined my entire existence. When I had to face my fears was when the nightmares began.

            I had the most vivid, horrendous nightmares. Almost all of them were very violent. I would defend myself to the death from predatory men, including my abuser. Some of the nightmares I would relive my horrible rape experience. It went on for about a month that I had these dreams, and oddly enough, once I began to overcome my fears, the nightmares went away, and I began to have dreams of where I would come out on top, where I was happy and I was with my future husband. I think that at this time was when I finally began to realize that I could do this, and I could overcome this and be happy again. I thank God for this realization, because soon after I had one of the worst days of my life where my strength was tested.

            Everything went wrong, and when I say everything, I mean literally everything you can possibly imagine in your life went wrong. I got extremely sick with bronchitis and a sinus infection, I maxed out my credit card trying to pay for my life, I couldn’t work because I had stress fractures on both of my shins, my car battery died so badly that I couldn’t even unlock the door to get into my car. My car doors were also frozen shut, so my future husband had to drive me to the doctor at the last minute… I was wearing my Eeyore onsie, no makeup, I didn’t shower, was wearing the most horrendous rainboots… basically I looked like a homeless person. I was humiliated. I had no food in my apartment, and I dropped my phone in the toilet… and destroyed it while I was at the doctor’s office, trying to go to the bathroom and take off my onsie… I think the onsie did the most damage on my psyche. There were more things that went wrong, but I am pretty sure I blocked them out from my conscious memory. That day was unbearable! It was terrible… and to top it all off, when I got home from the doctor after I dropped my phone in the toilet, I checked my bank account and lo and behold, the account balance was ZERO.

            OHHhhhhhhh my gosh… that was it! There was nothing else that any force on this planet could take away from me, except my boyfriend… when I came to this realization, I quite literally fell on the ground to my knees at this point, yelling out loud through my sobbing tears I managed to make out the words “Please God, please don’t take Bryan away from me! I can handle all of this other crap, but I will not be able to handle losing him, please don’t take him from me!!!! Take away anything else just not him!” and I lied on the ground, with my broken phone, in my terrible, terrible outfit, and let my face and floor become soaked in my tears. Yes it was very, very dramatic.

            Thankfully, God did not take away my husband, and through this experience, thanks to God, Bryan and my mom, I was able to pull out of it again, and I was able to realize that I am stronger than I think I am. It probably isn’t surprising to say that I had other hard days where my tears soaked my floor, pillow, and my amazing roommate’s entire body. But I feel like sharing some of these experiences shows that you can make it through anything! Even having every physical possession ruined, and your entire self-confidence of your image to your boyfriend destroyed, you can make it through! Lucky for me, he still found me attractive.

            It took a couple of months for me to notice in my journal entries that the daily overall number of happiness began to increase from 2’s, to 4’s to 8’s, and even some 10’s! My therapist helped me to begin to understand my anxiety, depression, and feelings of failure were normal, and how I could overcome them with time and love. Love from others, God and most ESPECIALLY (other than love from God), love for MYSELF, and loving myself for who I was despite all of my mental and emotional challenges I was facing. It was around this time of year 3 years ago that I began to take this journey, with myself and my therapist and I can’t help but to think that it’s the perfect time, being around Christmas, thinking of Christ and thinking about loving and supporting those who struggle. If it was not for those who loved and supported me, I would not be who I am today, and I am thankful for those people selfless enough to love me unconditionally, and to teach me how to do the same for others. I hope that I am able to help those of you who have experienced similar difficulties, even in some small way, to understand yourselves better, and to know that you are not alone.