Trusting men again...

            One of the hardest things for me to overcome is trusting men. Sometimes I still struggle with it. For example, the other day, I was at Wal-Mart by myself with my little boy, and there was this man that I kept seeing around the store. There was something about him that gave me the creeps. There was one point where he stood in front of my cart and wouldn’t move and was just staring at me. Usually I try to be nice to people, but this guy I was pretty short with and told him to get out of my way. I was afraid that if I was nice to him, he would follow me out to my car. I started to get scared, and I didn’t even finish my shopping because I was so freaked out by this guy. So I bought what I had in my cart, and I left the store… Sometimes I just hate my anxiety.

            There are times too where a guy isn’t even creepy and I still get freaked out. I have gotten significantly better, but there have been many times where I run away from a man in the parking lot of a store, or run to my car from my apartment because I am afraid of getting attacked. Even though it sounds crazy, these feelings are normal, and lucky enough for me and others like me, I will struggle with being overly aware of my surroundings for the rest of my life.

            Back when I first started going to therapy, there was this guy that I considered to be my friend. He was really nice and fun and I felt okay being around him, which was a pretty rare thing. But one day, he crossed the line… not even in a bad way, it was pretty normal actually. He was trying to hit on me, and for some reason it set me off. I was livid, and chewed the poor guy out. It upset me more than it should have, probably because I was dating my future husband at the time, and I didn’t understand why he wasn’t respecting the fact that I had a boyfriend. There were little things like this that would happen that would send me into a panic. I would feel completely threatened and would do whatever I felt like was necessary to feel safe again. I lost some friends over the things I would do and say. But to me, that didn’t matter; I just HAD to feel safe at all costs.

            The thing that broke my heart was the fact that I was having a hard time trusting my future husband. He had never done anything to scare me, or to give me any reason not to trust him, but I continually found myself pulling away from him when I would start to fall more in love with him. I would only allow myself to get to a certain point of feelings for him. I hated it. I knew pretty early on that we were going to get married, we were made for each other, and anyone who knows us would agree. But there was that roadblock that I couldn’t get past no matter how hard I tried, and I couldn’t figure out what it was that was keeping me from letting myself completely fall for him. I would talk to my therapist about this, and she helped me a lot, and told me that if I wanted to be with him that I would have to let go of whatever was holding me back. But what was holding me back?! I felt at a loss.

            Finally, after a few months of dating, I finally figured it out. I needed to forgive my rapist… really? How in the freaking world was that ever going to happen? This guy almost completely RUINED my life, and wasn’t punished for what he had done! But I knew that if I was ever going to be able to completely give my whole heart to my future husband that I had to do this extremely difficult thing. But how?

            I remember the day specifically that I finally forgave my abuser. I thought back through our relationship, and how at the beginning he wasn’t a bad person. How he treated me well and was my best friend. Then I thought about when he began to change. He became addicted to pornography about a year into our relationship, and that was when he started to be controlling with me. I thought about how hard it was for me to try to help him through his struggles, and how he began to tear away at my self-esteem, so I would feel like I was nothing without him. I thought about how he tried to turn me against my own family, by telling me that they were the ones ruining my life and not him. I gave into those brainwashing techniques he used on me, and slowly became a pile of worthless crap within my own mind. I went through the times that led up to him raping me, what it did to me, and how I had struggled for the years to come because of that event; how my existence almost crumbled to nothing. How pissed I was at him, and how he almost ruined me… and then it hit me.

            He didn’t almost ruin me, I was letting what had happened almost ruin me. I was letting the rape control my life! He was winning by me holding onto that event. I was letting someone else’s actions ruin my life. He had done what he did years ago; he moved on and forgot all about me. I was the one letting that event control everything else I had done up to this point, and I was letting some loser control how much of my heart I was giving to my boyfriend. There were things I couldn’t control because of what happened to me, like my anxiety and some of my behaviors, but I was the one letting my fears control all my other actions. I finally realized that I NEEDED TO LET GO AND NOT LET HIM WIN! So I did. I said in my heart “I forgive you for being an idiot, and even though I still don’t like you, at all, I forgive you for raping me. You used to be a good person, and I hope that one day, you get help for yourself so you don't hurt anyone again.”

            And there it was. It was like the entire weight of the planet was crushing me and had finally been lifted. I forgave the jerk! Yes, he is still a jerk, but I was done letting his actions control me, and I let go. I began to feel my heart change. I slowly began to trust people and most importantly, my future husband. Our relationship began to blossom and grow beyond my wildest dreams, and I was able to begin to love him for everything he was, good and bad, and I was okay with him not being perfect! Which I never thought would happen. My life began to change because I CHOSE TO CHANGE! I couldn’t have done it without therapy helping me to mentally and emotionally heal, but I had gotten to the point after months of therapy to where I felt like I could choose my own future and put that horrible event behind me!

            Yes, obviously I still have my struggles. I will never be completely the person I was before I was raped. I still have anxiety every day, but I choose if I will let my fears take over my actions. I choose if I want to let something scare me. Sometimes I let my fears get the best of me, but with time, my fears have decreased significantly, and my triggers for panic attacks and flashbacks have decreased as well. It does take time, but as long as you have the will power, the help of therapy, and a support group of the people you love and are close to you, you can overcome the roadblocks you have set up in your own mind that hold you back from being the amazing person that is chained up inside of you. Forgive and let go, not so that your abuser can be better, but so that YOU can be better! You deserve a full complete life, loving the ones that love you, and being completely, truly happy. If I can do it, you can too!