Realizing things won't be completely perfect, no matter how hard I try

Sometimes I get discouraged. When I look back at who I used to be, I know I am not the same. I know I will never be the same. My anxiety will get the best of me every now and again. I will have flashbacks when I feel threatened by a man. I will be overly observant when I am out and about. I will be less forgiving, and I won’t trust anyone right off the bat. I struggle to find the ‘good’ in people when all I see is ‘bad’. When someone betrays me, I almost can’t get over it. Every effort to trust or forgive someone that hurts me now is almost impossible. Sometimes, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I used to be so much more positive, naturally happier, so much more loving. That person is gone.

If I want to keep my sanity, I have to try to always stay positive. I have to push out my anxiety-prone thoughts. I have to make such a great effort to be happy, and see the good in people and myself. I get pissed so easily now it’s like the flip of a switch. I have to control that to the best of my abilities, and sometimes my anger gets the best of me. My poor husband who puts up with me; I love him more than he could ever know. I don’t know how he has the patience he does.

I have gotten better, a lot better than I used to be. At least I go outside now. At least I can have a pleasant conversation with a stranger at the grocery store. At least I can sit through church and talk to the people there without wanting to throw up and run away. At least I can control my panic attacks 99% of the time now instead of 0%. These are things that I can look at and remember how far I have come.

Sometimes I still cry. Sometimes the pain I've learned to overcome tries to creep back in. Sometimes at night while lying by my sleeping husband, I cry myself silently to sleep remembering my abuse. Sometimes I say “I’m okay” when really, I’m NOT okay, and sometimes pretending gets me through the rough patches.


No matter how far you've come, there are some things that time cannot heal. Don’t let it discourage you from taking steps forward. Even baby steps are better than going backwards. This week for me has been microscopic movement forward, but it’s still movement. Don’t give up.

Comments

  1. UnknownApril 9, 2014 at 6:29 PM

    So true and so inspirational. The person that became a victim is not the same person that we can grow into and become. It is not what defines us. Because if we let that define us...we will always be the victim". This defines the act of the perp...the sick...disturb individual that fed off us to quench his need to feed his ego and feeling of superiority. We are so much more than that with every step that we take to heal and move forward. This is what defines us...this is what makes us a superior soldier that defends our identity and soul. We are beautiful...we may be scarred..but not broken. Because we have learned to love again.

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