Another year has come and gone, another year of growing and healing

     In about a month, I will be 26 years old. Every birthday since the rape, I am reminded about the attack. I’ve never told anyone this, but every year I am older, I think “It’s been ___ years since the rape, and I am doing pretty good.”, or “not so good” when it was the first or second year mark. This year will mark 7 years. It’s interesting that thought comes to my mind around that time, but thankfully, every year I have healed more.

     Today I was thinking about the effects that the rape still has on me. When I get really bad, shaking anxiety, sometimes for no reason, I think about the rape. Mostly I am angry that I still have anxiety. “I wasn’t always like this” I think to myself. Sometimes I am ashamed of my anxiety. I feel like I should be able to control it more by now. I mean, it has been almost 7 years, what is the deal? I decided that a lot of times, I am too hard on myself. My anxiety used to be paralyzing, I used to get triggered into flash backs that made me have uncontrollable mental breakdowns, where my husband would hold me tightly until I stopped screaming and crying. I have come a long way since then. So of all the things that still affect me, anxiety is the most prevalent. Most everything else I have almost completely overcome.

     Every new year I am more hopeful. I have become more positive, more outgoing, more hardworking, more able to handle stressful and difficult things. I have also become more thankful. I feel that because of what I have experienced, it has helped me be a better person, and has helped me learn to cope with raising a child with autism, and has made me more capable than I would be otherwise. I am more patient, I try to be more kind, I try to be less judgmental and more understanding. I have learned so much because of this unfortunate event. I am thankful that with the help of many patient people and the healing power of God, I have been able to overcome so much that held me back for so long.

     Seven years is a long time, at times it still seems like yesterday that the rape happened. I have tried my best over the years to hold strong, don’t give up, and be happy despite my circumstances. The effects of abuse last longer than people realize. They can be lifelong struggles.  It sucks that you can have pain and problems because of someone else. The power of forgiveness is life changing. I hope others can one day forgive those that have hurt them. Holding on holds you back. Forgiving others so that you can move on doesn’t mean you are condoning their behavior, but you are letting yourself heal, and it is worth it.

     In the last 7 years, I have grown and healed so much. I’m ready to take on my 26^th year of being alive, because right now I am doing better than “pretty good”, despite my anxiety, I really, truly couldn’t be better. I want others to know that it really does get better. No matter where you are in your healing timeline, if you don't ever give up or give in to the negative thoughts that will enter your mind, you will overcome.