Another year, guys
I can't believe it's been over a year since I have posted in here. It has been almost ten years since the rape. It is interesting that at one point, it brought me physical pain to even think the word "rape", now I can say it, talk about it, talk about my experience. It gives me pain, I sometimes get choked up, but I can talk about it. I can share it and maybe help someone else struggling with even accepting what has happened to them.
I still have nightmares. I still have panic attacks. I sometimes will even have flashbacks if an instance causes enough grief for me. Sometimes I'll click on an article about someone else that was raped or assaulted, and it will cause a flash back or a panic attack. I don't think that will ever completely go away. The instances are farther apart, but the PTSD remains.
Sometimes it gets hard to breathe. Sometimes I lay in bed at night, afraid that he will come to find me. I wish he was dead so the fear would leave, because he would be gone. It is a terrible thing to say about someone, but I think in this instance, the feeling is warranted. Sometimes I will smell something in the air that smells like him, hear a song we used to listen to together, see someone that looks like him, and it will throw me off. It seems impossible that after all this time, those things would be burned into my memory and senses. Nonetheless, it's all still there, buried in my subconscious.
Despite all of this, I am okay with what has happened to me. It made me strong in a way that no one else would understand unless they have been there, too. It made me fight through times that would bring other people to a grinding halt. It made me more aware to my surroundings and learn to be safer everywhere I go. I am tough because someone tried to ruin me, and I didn't let them. I didn't let him win, and every time I fight through PTSD episodes, panic attacks, nightmares, I WIN. I win everyday. I won all those years ago when I told people who could help me keep him away, and would fight with me to keep me strong when I thought I wouldn't get through it. I won when I decided I was no longer a victim, but a freaking champion and survivor. I am a warrior.
I still have nightmares. I still have panic attacks. I sometimes will even have flashbacks if an instance causes enough grief for me. Sometimes I'll click on an article about someone else that was raped or assaulted, and it will cause a flash back or a panic attack. I don't think that will ever completely go away. The instances are farther apart, but the PTSD remains.
Sometimes it gets hard to breathe. Sometimes I lay in bed at night, afraid that he will come to find me. I wish he was dead so the fear would leave, because he would be gone. It is a terrible thing to say about someone, but I think in this instance, the feeling is warranted. Sometimes I will smell something in the air that smells like him, hear a song we used to listen to together, see someone that looks like him, and it will throw me off. It seems impossible that after all this time, those things would be burned into my memory and senses. Nonetheless, it's all still there, buried in my subconscious.
Despite all of this, I am okay with what has happened to me. It made me strong in a way that no one else would understand unless they have been there, too. It made me fight through times that would bring other people to a grinding halt. It made me more aware to my surroundings and learn to be safer everywhere I go. I am tough because someone tried to ruin me, and I didn't let them. I didn't let him win, and every time I fight through PTSD episodes, panic attacks, nightmares, I WIN. I win everyday. I won all those years ago when I told people who could help me keep him away, and would fight with me to keep me strong when I thought I wouldn't get through it. I won when I decided I was no longer a victim, but a freaking champion and survivor. I am a warrior.
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