Ohhhhhh Holidays...
This post will be a little bit different than my other posts, mostly because it delves into other aspects of my personal life that I don't usually talk about. The holidays this year have been really hard for me, starting with Halloween. My son is autistic, he doesn't care about things like that, which is fine. He is his own beautiful person that I wouldn't change for the world. But for some reason this year, I've wanted to pretend like the holidays don't exist. My son wanted to go on a walk while the trick or treaters were out, and it broke my heart a bit. To add to my anguish, I was in a pretty bad car accident that thankfully was not my fault, but it has rendered me unable to perform a lot of the things that I need to. The day after Halloween, I had a nervous breakdown. Because of my existing issues with anxiety and depression, everything hit me pretty hard. I've also had to work a lot more than usual, hitting almost full time every week since the accident. My husband works full time, and our son is the equivalent of 4 kids wrapped in one, so everything has been non stop. My husband comes home from work, then I leave 5 minutes later to go to my job, and I am gone all day Saturday. I've been so overwhelmed, essentially. I hit my mental limit of what I can handle at the moment.
I've been having insomnia issues, and when I actually am asleep, I have nightmares, and I wake up more tired every day. Somehow, I have been able to handle work, taking care of my son, filling my orders for my business, baking pies and keeping the house clean. Literally, my only explanation is that God has been helping me everyday, because I don't know how I have been able to keep going.
The stress with the holidays for me also stems from the fact that my son is extremely sensitive to doing a lot of things. It messes up his schedule, his eating, his sleeping, his mood. We have to say 'no' to a lot of things that family or friends have wanted us to do, because he just can't handle a lot. Sometimes people don't understand, but I've been trying to not let that bother me. It's nice to know that I am not the only one that stresses about the holidays, everyone does. Not to say I am glad everyone suffers, but that I am glad I am not alone.
When I also have very high anxiety times, frequent panic attacks, nightmares, etc. from the excessive stress, I can't help but think to the times before I had my horrible anxiety, before being abused. I wish I could be that person again that didn't know anxiety and had never had a panic attack. But at the same time, I can't help but be so grateful. I've been trying to find joy this time of year, and everyday find things to be thankful for. It's been so hard this year but despite that, I want to say what I have been thinking about, that I have been grateful for: I am grateful for my son's amazing accomplishments. I am the most proud parent that has ever lived. I am thankful for my job and my husbands job, that we are able to make ends meet. I am thankful for our home and our beautiful doggy pooch that helps my little boy. I am thankful for functioning, safe cars. And honestly, mostly, I am thankful for the things that have happened to me. Because of my son's autism, I have learned not to judge others, because of my anxiety and depression, I can relate to others, because of my abuse, I am more loving, and also more tough. I can stand up for myself, I have the strength to speak out because I want others to not feel alone like I did for so long.
My husband keeps telling me that everything will be okay. A lot of the time lately, that's been harder to see. But I am taking my own advice that I have said so many times: don't ever, ever give up. It gets better, even if you can't see that right now. Ultimately, Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, Christmas is to celebrate Jesus' birth, and New Year's is to set new goals to better ourselves, and start anew. I've been trying to focus on the real reasons we celebrate these holidays instead of the stressful parts. We can all get through this, we do every year. God bless you all.
I've been having insomnia issues, and when I actually am asleep, I have nightmares, and I wake up more tired every day. Somehow, I have been able to handle work, taking care of my son, filling my orders for my business, baking pies and keeping the house clean. Literally, my only explanation is that God has been helping me everyday, because I don't know how I have been able to keep going.
The stress with the holidays for me also stems from the fact that my son is extremely sensitive to doing a lot of things. It messes up his schedule, his eating, his sleeping, his mood. We have to say 'no' to a lot of things that family or friends have wanted us to do, because he just can't handle a lot. Sometimes people don't understand, but I've been trying to not let that bother me. It's nice to know that I am not the only one that stresses about the holidays, everyone does. Not to say I am glad everyone suffers, but that I am glad I am not alone.
When I also have very high anxiety times, frequent panic attacks, nightmares, etc. from the excessive stress, I can't help but think to the times before I had my horrible anxiety, before being abused. I wish I could be that person again that didn't know anxiety and had never had a panic attack. But at the same time, I can't help but be so grateful. I've been trying to find joy this time of year, and everyday find things to be thankful for. It's been so hard this year but despite that, I want to say what I have been thinking about, that I have been grateful for: I am grateful for my son's amazing accomplishments. I am the most proud parent that has ever lived. I am thankful for my job and my husbands job, that we are able to make ends meet. I am thankful for our home and our beautiful doggy pooch that helps my little boy. I am thankful for functioning, safe cars. And honestly, mostly, I am thankful for the things that have happened to me. Because of my son's autism, I have learned not to judge others, because of my anxiety and depression, I can relate to others, because of my abuse, I am more loving, and also more tough. I can stand up for myself, I have the strength to speak out because I want others to not feel alone like I did for so long.
My husband keeps telling me that everything will be okay. A lot of the time lately, that's been harder to see. But I am taking my own advice that I have said so many times: don't ever, ever give up. It gets better, even if you can't see that right now. Ultimately, Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, Christmas is to celebrate Jesus' birth, and New Year's is to set new goals to better ourselves, and start anew. I've been trying to focus on the real reasons we celebrate these holidays instead of the stressful parts. We can all get through this, we do every year. God bless you all.
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