Another year has come and gone, another year of growing and healing

            Since I have been writing about my story, it’s been taking a toll on me, more than I thought it would be. I knew it would make me emotional, but I am thankful for my family and husband for supporting me through writing this. It has made all the difference in the world.

            Once I began the path to recovery by regularly seeing my therapist and talking to my church leader, I also started to date my future husband. We dated for a few weeks before I decided that I needed to tell him what was going on. I was nervous about this, because I knew that by telling him I was raped and the hard times I had for a couple years after, that he might not want to date me anymore. I really liked him, but he had to know, because for the first couple months that I was seeing my therapist, I would have a mental breakdown after every session.

            Not only was I having breakdowns after every session, most days I wouldn’t even get out of bed, unless I absolutely had to; or unless if I was going to see my boyfriend. I could not even talk to other guys other than him. If another guy would come talk to me, most of the time I would have a breakdown afterwards; I would sob and feel the fear I felt with my ex all over again. I had to change my phone number again, because I could not handle people talking to me and texting me all the time. I did not trust anyone, especially men. After my sessions with my therapist were the absolute worst of all. I would completely lose it. I would sob and cry remembering the pain and heartache I had gone through for the past years. It was like reliving it every single time I talked about it. It was nearly unbearable. I was so tempted to stop going to therapy because I thought it would be the end of me. But I had an amazing mother and roommates who were there for me.

             I had one particular roommate at the time who I still consider to be one of my best friends today. I want her to know that without her unconditional love and support, I would not have made it through my recovery. She is an amazing woman and I love her with all my heart.

            It was after one session in particular that I knew I needed to tell my boyfriend what had happened, and that I was trying to deal with it and recover. After this session, I had gone into details about the rape with my therapist. While I was talking to my therapist, I felt like I was in a trance. I don’t know how I even got the story out without breaking down right then and there in her office. It was not until later in the day that I finally lost it. I was sobbing and telling my roommates that I couldn’t do this anymore, it was too hard. My amazing friend just held me while my body was going limp in her arms. Talking about the rape, reliving it, was almost my breaking point. It was nearly impossible for me to handle.

            I was planning on meeting up with my boyfriend that night, but with how I was emotionally, I almost cancelled my plans with him. Instead of cancelling, I decided that I was going to talk to him about what was going on, because if we were going to continue to date, there was no way I would be able to hide what I was going through anymore. So I texted him and asked him if we could go on a walk and talk… poor choice of words I realized later. He probably thought I was breaking up with him hahaha. I shouldn’t laugh but either way, whether I was breaking up with him or talking to him about my hardships, both conversations would not be pleasant. I love him for putting up with me.

            We walked to a quiet place and sat on a bench. It was a little chilly outside, so he had his arm around me. My heart was in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I almost didn’t tell him because I was so afraid of what he would think of me. But somehow I got it out. I told him how I was raped, how I felt and how I was trying to recover from the pain and suffering I had gone through. I told him about my mistakes because of the mental toll it had on me. I told him I was seeing a therapist, and that it was a lot more difficult to deal with than I had thought it would be. I told him that if he didn’t want to deal with me and date me anymore that I would understand, because I was such a mess.

            He sat there for a minute. He didn’t say anything. I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack, I had no idea what was coming next. But he one hundred percent surprised me with his response. He said that he was sorry to hear what had happened to me, that he didn’t care about my past, as long as I was trying my best to get over it. He said he wanted to help me and that he was glad I told him what was going on, because he could tell something was wrong. All he did was hold me close, and tell me he would never hurt me and always protect me. It was the first time in a really, really long time that I felt safe. I FINALLY felt safe. I can’t even begin to describe the peace I felt in my heart because I knew he wasn’t lying to me, and that I could trust him. I’m crying right now remembering how that moment changed my life, how he changed my life for the better.

            I wish that I could say that this was the end of my story and that my husband and I got married and it was happily ever after. My husband is incredible. My friends are incredible, and my family is the best in the world. I know I am biased, but I know that without him, my roommates, and my family, that there is no way I would have been able to get through this.