Another year has come and gone, another year of growing and healing

          I know that saying he would soon be serving a mission for my church may be confusing. I am proud to say that I am LDS, or Mormon. I love my religion, and I love God. I know he is there for me, and my religion is a big reason why I feel I was able to overcome what had happened to me.

            In my religion, many people serve missions, which means they go out for about 2 years to places all over the world, serving God, people, and sharing our beliefs without pay. It is a huge sacrifice, and is an amazing experience for those who have chosen to do this. But to be able to do this, the person who chooses to serve needs to be worthy, meaning they need to be keeping the commandments of God, they need to not be using substances like alcohol and drugs, and they need to be morally clean, basically meaning not going around and having sex. If someone has made mistakes, they can repent and eventually serve. We believe God does forgive our sins. But if a person has sexually abused someone, they cannot serve a mission.

            So you can imagine my surprise, when I got a phone call from my mom, telling me that my ex was going to serve a mission. For me, this was a HUGE deal. It made me feel like he was getting away with it. The more I talked to my mom about this; I decided that I was going to call one of the leaders of our area, the stake president. He would be the one that would be able to stop him from being able to go on a mission.

            It was a couple weeks after I talked to my mom that I finally was able to talk to the stake president about what happened. I made an appointment for him to call me, and waited anxiously all day for it. I hadn’t talked about the rape pretty much since it had happened, and I was really nervous about putting it all out there, but I was willing do to whatever it took to get him to not be able to go. He should not be representing our church and what we believe, being an abusive rapist, and I HAD to stop him!

            Finally he called at about 7 pm that night. I answered nervously. We exchanged a bit of small talk, and then we got down to it. He asked me to explain to him in detail what had happened. So I did. I told him every tiny detail. I even explained how he raped me, how he held me down, how he abused me. I told him how he tried to kidnap me, how he would stand outside my window at night watching me, everything I could think of, I told him.

            Of course, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t even know how I got the entire story out. I don’t even know if he could completely understand what I had said. After I was done with my story, I thought to myself “Okay, its out. There is NO WAY he can go now. I did it!” But I was wrong…

            He responded that he was sorry to hear what had happened, and that he had heard my ex’s side of the story. My ex told him that it was consensual, that he had repented and was ready to serve. And then he said “It’s your word against his, I am sorry. There is nothing we can do.”

            This could not be happening…. I told him what happened! I sobbed my story to him and cried harder than I had in a year! This was one of the hardest things I EVER had to do! I was having flashbacks while I told my story, I felt like I was there again, in the car, pinned, held down, unable to move, unable to fight him off no matter how hard I tried. This conversation with this man, who was supposed to help me, pushed me over the edge. I finally lost it, and I yelled at him:

            “Are you serious? Why would you call me and have me relive this HORRIBLE event when you knew there was NOTHING you could do?!?! I cannot believe you did this to me! I cannot believe you are telling me there is nothing you can do! Thanks for nothing!”

            After I yelled this, I blacked out. I was still yelling at him for a few minutes after this, but I don’t remember anything I said. I just remember the rage in my heart, the overwhelming sickness I felt in my whole body, my tears choking me, and hearing him keep saying over and over how sorry he was. I finally hung up on him. I sat on the floor, hugging my knees to my chest, and sobbed, and sobbed. For hours I cried, for hours I relived this horrible event, had flashbacks. I was screaming in agony over the pain of FINALLY realizing…. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE TO STOP HIM, THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT, AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE.

            I tried everything. EVERYTHING! He was still going to go; he was going to represent our beliefs, when he didn’t even live them! He got away with it… he got away with raping me, and there was nothing I could do.

            I screamed at God. I was so pissed at God. “How could you do this to me?! I have done NOTHING but pray every day all day to you, I read the Bible, I go to church every Sunday, I have asked you to help me, and no matter what I have done, the pain is still here! I am so angry all the time! I don’t feel happiness or peace! This SOB is getting away with this and he RUINED my life and destroyed my soul! There is nothing more I can do to show you I believe in you and have faith in you! This isn’t fair! I didn’t deserve this! I am done! I am done trying because in the end, it has never mattered what I do!”

            And that was it. I felt nothing, nothing other than anger, and despite everything I had believed my entire life, everything I had lived for and loved, I completely stopped all of it. I stopped praying, reading, going to church. Right in that moment, my mind was gone, and any speck of my personality and soul I had left vanished. I was a different person, and I would never be the same.