Another year has come and gone, another year of growing and healing

               I just found out recently that after I was raped I experienced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It is a mental health condition that is triggered after a terrifying event. The sooner you get help for PTSD once you realize that you are experiencing symptoms, will help prevent long term PTSD. The symptoms can last for months or years and can completely turn your life inside out. Symptoms usually start within 3 months after the traumatic event. There are three types of PTSD:

    Intrusive memories- symptoms include:

• Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
• Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event

    Avoidance and emotional numbing- symptoms include:

       

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
• Hopelessness about the future
• Memory problems
• Trouble concentrating
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships

    Anxiety and increased emotional arousal-symptoms include:

      

• Irritability or anger
• Overwhelming guilt or shame
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
• Trouble sleeping
• Being easily startled or frightened
• Hearing or seeing things that aren't there

These symptoms can come and go and can change with time. It is important to know if you are going through this so you can get help with coping as soon as possible.

         I wanted to explain this before I talked about how I behaved for the next 9 months of my life after I stopped going to church and mentally checked out. This is one of the most difficult things for me to talk about, because it goes against everything I believe, and my behavior was one of the most confusing attributes of my recovery that I had to deal with for a long time. My behavior became reckless, and I put myself into situations that I normally would not be in. I became extremely self destructive, and almost everything I did was harmful to me. I began to drink all of the time, and for the last month before I decided to get serious help, I drank everyday. I would be reckless with my intimacy.

         

         For me these things were difficult when I was trying to turn my life around, because I could not control my actions, and I did not understand why. No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop. It was not until I started to see my therapist that I was able to stop my behavior completely. Maybe my circumstance was unique, but my harmful behavior stopped completely after my first therapy session, and I have not had any episodes since. 

        When you are abused, it affects you mentally. It is a mental sickness. And the ONLY way it can be fixed is through therapy or counseling. A LOT of therapy. I saw a therapist weekly for over a year, and I still occasionally will see her when I feel off balance in my life. There is nothing wrong with going to therapy, or through other abuse recovery methods to get help.

        It does not matter what you believe or do not believe, how your parents raised you, or what your morals are, you are not a bad person if you have gone through these things. These actions are a normal reaction to a traumatic event. If there is one thing that I wish I would have been told through this whole thing, is that I WAS NORMAL! The rape and abuse was NOT normal, but my reactions to it were! And I did not know this until my therapy sessions.

        Before I realized my behavior was normal, I thought I was horrible for the things I was doing that I could not control. I did not understand why no matter what I did I could not stop my sporadic and harmful behavior, until I finally realized that because of the abuse that I experienced, I mentally shut down. For me, it felt like there were two different beings inside of me pushing and fighting against each other constantly. These two separate beings inside of me were tearing me apart. One would sometimes dominate the other, and the longer the time passed until I got help, the horrible feeling and being inside of me would dominate, and I would lose control of myself more and more. It eventually took over until I completely lost control of my actions and behavior. I felt like I was crazy.

        I am telling you right now that there is no way I would have been able to come back from this without extensive therapy. There is nothing wrong with going to therapy,  and you will not be able to recover and learn how to cope with the after affects of abuse until you get help on a consistent basis, until your therapist or counselor says you are good to go and ready to face the world with what you have learned. You can keep denying you need help as much as you want, but I promise you it will not get better until you get the mental help you need. 

        PTSD is real, and effects every one differently. Therapists are trained to deal with every person in every different stage of recovery. And if they are not, they will send you to someone who is. I LOVE my therapist. She literally saved my life, and without her I would not be where I am today. I would not have been able to handle a marriage and definitely not be able to handle having a child.

         Having hit the lowest point in my life, I thought I would never be able to recover, never be able to feel safe or at peace, and I never would have been able to feel like I could trust anyone ever again. It took a long time for me to completely trust my husband. I had inner battle many times debating if I could trust him, and eventually I was able to. Even if you do not have someone close that you have the opportunity of trusting, start with your therapist. It is a good place to start, considering you will tell them the most innermost secrets you hold close to your heart. But you can do it! One step at a time.

        Recovering and coping is not a quick fix. I still deal with anxiety every day of my life. Some things will not ever be permanently fixed, but you learn how to cope with things that are difficult to deal with. I made goals, and continue to make goals, for myself; little achievable goals that I knew I was able to handle. There was a time where I could not even talk to men I did not know. At all. I would completely flip out. But today I can talk easily to almost anyone. I still have anxiety at times when I meet someone new, but I have been able to suppress it until I become comfortable with someone. And I do not always get comfortable with people and have to stop talking to them, and that is okay too! There were even times where I would see men and literally run away from them. I cannot tell you how many weird looks I have gotten from people when I look back to make sure they are not following me. I looked like a crazy person, but that is how I had to deal. 

        At different times after the rape, I experienced different stages of PTSD. I still will have flashbacks if something triggers it. Anything can be a trigger for a flashback to happen. It could be a place, certain people, certain smells, a picture of the abuser, objects, literally anything can trigger a flashback. At first soon after the rape, when I would have flashbacks, I would be back there, in the car with the man who raped me, feeling the feelings I felt and seeing the things I saw. It was unbearable and would ruin my whole day. Back then, I was triggered a lot easier, and many different things triggered me to have the flashbacks. As time has passed, my flashbacks are not as bad. I do not see what I saw then, but I feel the way I felt. I feel out of control and scared, and I will run away from the trigger and hide. 

       Even though flashbacks are still difficult for me, I have very few triggers now, and the event will not ruin my entire day. I can recover fairly quickly and the flashback is not as traumatizing as they used to be.

      This was one of the hardest posts I have had to write. I hope that with this, it helps not only rape victims/survivors to understand, but others as well. PTSD is real, the affects of it are real, and when people are going through it, they need someone they can trust. They need a support system and they need to eventually get to the point that they can feel safe. I hope that those of you who know me try to use this to understand the situation, and will not judge me for my actions. I hope this helps anyone going through what I went through, and if you need help or additional information, I will be more than happy to share more of what I went through to help you.

This is where I got my information about PTSD:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/DS00246/DSECTION=symptoms