Another year has come and gone, another year of growing and healing

            About 5 years ago, I was raped by my ex-boyfriend at the time. For me, this changed my life for the worse, then for the better. I was able to overcome being a victim to abuse, to becoming a survivor. I know that if I share my story of what happened and how I overcame, that I will be able to help a lot of people that have experienced the same terrifying event. This is something that happens far too often, and is not talked about nearly enough. There is no easy way to put this, so I think I will start from the beginning.

            I broke up with my boyfriend about a month prior to the event. He tried to control every aspect of my life, to the point that he did not want me going to church so other boys could not talk to me. He did not want me to have any other friends other than him, and he was trying to turn me against my own family by telling me that they were the ones ruining my life, not him. As I finally started to realize how unhealthy this relationship was, I ended it. He insisted on seeing me one more time so that he could talk to me and say goodbye. He also had a good amount of my personal belongings that I wanted back, so I agreed to meet him in a public place.

            We met at a restaurant, the one I worked at, and we had lunch. I was extremely short with him and rude, so that he would understand that we were indeed over. He kept trying to kiss me and flirt with me, and I was not having it. I told him to stop touching me, and he stood up with tears in his eyes, and threw a 50 dollar bill on the table and said goodbye. Of course, me being the nice person I am, I felt bad for being rude and told him I was sorry. He sat back down and said he wanted to talk to me in a private place. I said okay. I went up to the front to pay the bill, and one of my managers who was my good friend told me he needed to talk to me back in the kitchen about something important. I followed him to the back room. He said “Kileigh, are you really going to leave with him?” “Yes” I replied “He just wants to talk to me privately it’s not a big deal”. He then told me something I will never forget: “Kileigh, don’t go. He’s been looking at you like you are a piece of meat and he wants to devour you. Please don’t go with him.”

            Who would have thought someone could ignore that right? I know for a fact it was not by chance that he said that to me. God was trying to warn me, and I ignored it. I told him “It’s fine; I won’t be gone long, promise”. Despite everything warning me, my gut, my manager, every fiber of my being, I went. I drove with him to the empty parking lot across the street, in a corner blocked by trees where no one could see. It was still a decently public place, but not public enough. Obviously, he had other intentions. He did not want to talk; he kept trying to kiss me. I kept pushing him away and telling him to say what he needed to say so we could get this over with. He pulled me over onto his lap and said “I want to talk to you like this” and I said “Ugh fine, just don’t touch me.”

           Of course he kept grabbing my face trying to kiss me. After getting pissed more times than I can count, I got off and said “There is nothing that you can do or say to get me to stay with you. I’m done. If you don’t say what you need to say to me, we’re leaving.” As he kept pushing himself on me I was getting more and more mad. He finally asked me to have sex with him, and I freaked out and said “Are you serious right now? We’re leaving now”. As I was starting the car, he turned it off and moved over on top of me while I was in the driver’s seat. I was pinned. There was nothing I could do. He then said “Well if you won’t, I will make you.”

            After it was over, I almost threw up. I didn’t know what had happened. I didn’t understand. There was no way this happened. There had to have been some way I could have stopped it. I must have led him on somehow. I am a horrible human being…

            I should have told my mom when I got home; we sat on the couch and talked for a long time. She asked me how it went talking to the ex-boyfriend, and I told her it went fine. I didn’t tell her what happened, because I didn’t know exactly WHAT had happened. I thought rape was extremely violent, that the people who came out of it were physically bruised and broken. Why would someone that cared about me do this to me? In my mind, there was no way I was raped by a person I loved.

            I am going into details because I feel like it’s important. As I continue to tell my story, I am going to share my feelings, what I experienced, and how I overcame. I appreciate my family and my husband who have supported me. They have helped me more than they can ever know and I wouldn’t be where I am today, with a beautiful family of my own, married in the temple, without them. Please feel free to ask me any questions, and to share this with someone that you know who has experienced sexual abuse.