Another year has come and gone, another year of growing and healing

            It’s no secret that I have anxiety because of what happened to me. What most people do not know is that I deal with this every day, all day. It never goes away. I constantly feel unsettled and anxious. People with anxiety are always in fight-or-flight mode, they have a hard time differentiating problems that are small and problems that are a big deal. Every problem to a person with anxiety is a big deal to them.

            I have gotten a lot better with controlling my anxiety. I can talk to people and not have a nervous breakdown, I can go in public and not feel like I am going to be attacked every 5 seconds. I can pretty much deal with every day things now. But there are still a lot of times that I cannot control my anxiety, and it comes about like I am angry.

            My worst anxiety I get is when I feel out of control in a situation that is really important to me… for obvious reasons. Since I was out of control with the rape, being in control is something that I struggle dealing with. I have to tell myself that the only person I can control is myself, and if other people are going to be stupid, there is nothing I can do about that.

            I have been having really bad anxiety since I posted my last blog entry. There have been things that have happened the past few days that have been difficult to handle. I have been praying about what I should write, and this is the only thing coming into my mind at this point.

            One thing I am told frequently is ‘you are crazy’. Really, I’m crazy? Anyone who thinks that anxiety makes me crazy is ignorant. If people tried to understand what anxiety does to a person, they would understand that I am far from crazy. I will admit, I can be irrational, but I can tell the difference between a problem that is a real big problem and a problem that is minor. Even if I do feel the effects of my anxiety acting up in a minor problematic situation, I can calm myself down fairly quickly and look at it from a different perspective. This has taken literally years of practice and support, but I become stronger all of the time because I try my best to control the uncontrollable. Yes, anxiety can be uncontrollable.

            I am on an anti-depressant right now because I experienced post-partum depression after I had my little guy. My anxiety was through the roof. I was suicidal and felt one hundred percent worthless. It was amazing if I even got dressed for the day or showered. My anti-depressant helps me a lot with dealing with this, and my every day anxiety that I constantly feel. I hope to be able to go off of the anti-depressant soon; I’ve even tried a couple of times. But right now, it is not something that my body can handle. I cannot handle the anxiety I get every day when I don’t take this pill, and sometimes the pill isn’t enough. Sometimes I still have really bad anxiety that is difficult to control.

            There is nothing wrong with getting help with emotional problems by taking an anti-depressant. And I don’t care about anyone’s opinion on it, because I know for a fact that I have a chemical imbalance and that the anti-depressant helps me. The thing that I have a hard time tolerating is like I said before, people telling me I am crazy, or not taking me seriously because I have anxiety issues from being abused. There are even some people that say they don’t understand me because I am difficult to deal with. I am not difficult, but if a situation is difficult, I will not back down. I will not put myself into situations where I am overly uncomfortable to the point of a panic attack. I am bold and I will say what is on my mind.

            I am not crazy just because I have anxiety. Many people have anxiety, including people who have not been abused. This is an effect of abuse that people NEED to understand. This is a normal emotion and a normal problem. There is nothing wrong with you if you have anxiety, and you are NOT crazy, even if people tell you that you are. There are ways to cope with anxiety and emotional issues, including what I do. I take and anti-depressant once a day, and I see my therapist as needed to help me stay on track and feel okay about my life.

            I am actually seeing my therapist this week. Because of my blog, it has made some things come up in my life that I was not planning for, and I need some mental help. Everyone will have different ways to cope with situations that give them anxiety. On top of taking my pill and seeing my therapist, I have different coping mechanisms:

-        -  I will talk about what I am having anxiety about with someone that I can trust, that can give me some insight and help calm me down.

-        -  I will talk myself through a difficult situation, and try to calm myself down as best as I can. I tell myself that it’s not a big deal, and the only thing I can control in that moment is myself and my own emotions. This usually helps

-        -  Deep breathing. I know this is talked about all the time but it totally works. I do this daily. I take deep breaths and reassure myself that I am okay, that whatever is giving me anxiety is not life or death

-         - I pray. Yes I am religious, and I like to pray. I feel like God is there listening to me and is helping me. I also read the bible. Right now I am reading about Jesus and the miracles he performed, and how he forgave everyone even the people who crucified him. This helps me be more forgiving because I am trying to be more like Him, and it puts my life into perspective.

-        -  I like to eat candy. And yes I will sometimes indulge because it helps me feel better.

-        -  I hold my little boy. I love my little boy. He calms my racing heart down and when I am upset, he will snuggle his head on me while I hold him close.

-       -   I clean my house. This almost always calms me down. I get my mind off of whatever is upsetting me, am able to think more clearly, and in the meantime my house looks amazing.

-         - I leave the situation. Sometimes the only thing that will calm me down is getting out of the upsetting situation, no matter how weird people might think I am. Sometimes I have to leave church or the grocery store when my son is freaking out because it’s difficult for me. It’s like my motherly instinct is an air horn going off in my head over and over and over to calm down my kid, and if he’s not calming down I begin to feel my anxiety. It’s not fun for anyone to hear a screaming kid, including me and my kid. So I would just rather leave and be in our element where we both feel safe.

-        -  I work out. It’s amazing what even going on a walk will do for racing uncontrollable emotions. I like to run really hard, or do my crazy workouts that I like to do. I get tired and my anxiety is usually significantly better after I exercise.

            I do have a lot of coping mechanisms. Why? Because sometimes one thing doesn’t work, and I have to move on to the next thing.

            Anxiety is real, and it affects a lot of people. It’s something that if people do not understand that they just think you are weird and crazy and don’t want to deal with you. It is possible for me to be upset AND rational. Amazing isn’t it? Who would have thought that I have the ability to feel normal human emotions like everyone else. If you don’t want to try to understand me, then I won’t want to try to understand you, and I am sure that a lot of people can agree with me on that. I won’t apologize for having problems, especially ones that I did not bring upon myself. And I won’t apologize for being strong enough to admit my faults and issues. I am real, and I am not anywhere close to perfect.  This is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, because some jerk took advantage of me and tried to destroy me. But since I didn’t let him ruin me, I came out on top. And if one of the only things that still affects me after I was raped is my anxiety, then that’s pretty amazing.

            So before you go around judging people, wanting to tell them they are crazy or irrational, take a step back, shut your mouth, and think to yourself that they may be going through something that you have no idea about. Try to be more understanding and kind. If you expect people to do the same to you, then you have to make an effort. No one wants to be nice to a jerk.